Carving out Time

I have been waking up early lately... really early. .. It could be 4:45am- 6:00 am. Many people, including my husband can roll over after waking up and simply sigh and go back to sleep. I however am NOT one of those people.Once my baby blues pop open, it is almost useless to continue to wrestle with the blankets. Not that I don't try and today was no exception to either of these. My eyes peered into the darkness and I could tell even before I looked at the clock it was "too early" to get up. I shuffled in the darkness to the bathroom, continued down the steps to let my dog outside for her morning duties and attempted to snuggle back into my warm comfy bed for what I hoped would be a few more hours of slumbering bliss. Not a chance. My mind begins it's own wrestling match. I worry. I think. I struggle. I am fearful of and for all of the people I love and all of the travesty I am sure is ahead for our lives.... I am not sleeping. I am not going to go back to sleep. So I do what all "real" Christians do when they are awaken "too early".... (try to) pray. I struggle with that thought too.. if God is waking me up why is he? Who should I have been praying for the last hour? What have I missed.. what awful world events in someones life could I have prevented if I had gotten it earlier.. instead of doing the proverbial sheet wrestling? I now begin the arrow prayers.. I lift up "so and so"... and this person.. and that..... and..... rats- I am not very good at this. Now I wrestle with myself- forget the sheets- now I am wrestling with who I am... and most decidedly who I am not... I begin a mental litany of my shortcomings, sins and failures. It is only 5 a.m. This day is not starting out well. As I lay there with my thoughts and fears and frustrations taunting me .. there is a whisper in the midst of the darkness..." hey daughter.... psst... its me. I am the one who has awoken you- I have been the one who has stirred you so early as of late. I love you. This is time carved out for you. go. write.pen.paper. computer. write." Wow. my focus changes- it doesn't seem like the one whispering to me is angry or upset that I have not interceded for the whole world "properly". Nor do I sense judgment because I am fearful worried and afraid for so many things. I wait. I am in the presence of unconditional love. I know it is my heavenly Father.. there is no fear.. there is no frustration. For this moment.. I feel safe and there is no worry- for myself or those I love. I don't want to move... but yet I sense I am being asked to get up (even though it still is pretty early) ... "daughter... if you commit to me all of the stuff that is within you.. I will carry it- you don't have to.. really" I know what he is asking me to do. We have this "thing" my Father and I... I write it down- he takes it. If I "keep" it in my heart.. and I don't write it down- it's a lot harder for me to give it to him. Not that it is any harder for Him to take it.... but He never takes what I haven't chosen to give. For me, words are powerful..be they spoken, written or heard- but the act of pen to paper- it is for me...a spiritual motion. I am being called to get up- and do this "thing" we have... my Father and I. But then, I hear another little whisper... but I give you five more minutes.... Seriously... I can? I snuggle in. This makes me smile- no guilt.. no condemnation... five minutes of glorious peace. I am up. I have my coffee (thanks God for creating coffee- it's definitely a personal favorite in the whole creation of the world thing! ) and my pen and paper are not far behind.

Getting out of the Way

In God's infinate and amazing wisdom he created the family. He could have continued to create each and every human like he did Adam and Eve.. speaking into them- and forming them... but he chose to instead place men and women in a place not just of creating children- but also to parent them. I wonder sometimes if that was such a good idea. Most of us mean well and we desire to be amazing and incredible creative and encouraging parents. We dream of guiding them (smoothly) into adulthood where they will gaze back with admiration at the amazing job we did raising them. We imagine they will sing our praises and we will hear them say "well done" my wonderful mom and dad- you are great!! We entertain the idea that we will be fulfilled and find great serenity and peace in our lives because we have done this amazing thing! Perhaps no one else has had these grandiose if not incredibly off base and CRAZY thoughts but me... but I think you have!!! ...You may not have said it.. but like the elephant in the room you most likely have thought about it a time or two! :) Somewhere between 18 months and 18 years... the amazing creatures that we have been entrusted to parent and guide and teach and train do something that the parenting books can not prepare you for- they begin to grow up.They have their own ideas and thoughts and dreams. They do not always (in fact hardly ever) look at the world, faith, and their future the way we want them to. We see them thinking for themselves (imagine that!) and sometimes... we see them making choices and decisions that we know deep inside will bring them pain... and consequences. Often times we can still have influence.. but more often than not- we don't. While we "know" this is going to happen... we can not truly grasp how this will feel. Our hearts are so intertwined with these our children that when the pulling away begins to occur we are not always ready for what the letting go means. Labor pains bring them physically into the world- but there are just as intense labor pains to release them to their future! The Lord has been showing me that as I release them to him.. it allows him the opportunity to work at a greater level in their lives. He does not really need my help... he is God all by himself. Sometimes I think he does.. need my help- I think he is moving too slowly- or not at all. He is. He is "I Am".. He is moving.. even if I don't see it and even if I don't feel it. Today I am leaning into his arms- asking him for the ability to find my peace in him.. as I get out of his way- and give him room to work. This is hard- but God is good.. and amazing and faithful to keep that what I have committed to him..

Looking UP

I often wonder … why that what I want to do I do not do… why what I want to do I do not do. The apostle Paul pondered that same thought.

I know to do right- but…

The doing right is not really about doing wrong… I am a fairly decent and somewhat good person... (At least I can rationalize that thought for the moment) I surely don’t intentionally do wrong. Instead I just don’t do ….

When does inaction or lack of action become wrong?

I am not talking just the action of doing- but the entire thought process of what do I allow my thoughts to focus on. Whatever is right and just and true those are the things I need to focus on. Not focusing on the confusion of the world. Not focusing on choices of others- not focusing on the fear of the future that permeates the fiber of many around me...but instead focusing on what so ever is right and just and true. I need to think on these things.

Lately I have not done that. My focus has been not God –ward. It has been instead focused on what I can see…what I can touch and what I can feel. These have been what I have focused on. I have allowed fear and trepidation to erode my peace- my joy my confidence and my hope. I cannot see the future and I surely most definitely cannot change the future by worrying about it. Instead I am called to look heavenward… I am called to set my eyes on things above.

It is not always easy to look up. Gravity pulls my head down. Shame does too. No matter. Today I am choosing to look up… regardless of what I see touch and feel.

Today… choosing to live with hope.

Today.

Tomorrow will have enough challenges of its own. I cannot live tomorrow – until I have lived the today that is mine.

Today… I choose to live… looking up!

The GOAL

Last year I ran my second 5k race- the feeling was euphoria as I crossed the finish line.. never mind I had not trained much ... and it was a slow and not so pretty run.... the accomplishment was not to win.. but to finish. And... finish I did!! But this year I decided I would step up to the goal... a notch- 10k Fifth Third Riverbank Run: 53riverbankrun.com... with training... not just "running". This time would be different. I have chosen to be ready...to prepare and to train. Now I have been reading some articles in my local Grand Rapids Press- most people training- running- with friends and clubs. I on the other hand- am running yes.. but with a not so steady training schedule... and no clubs or friends. Its not that I don't have friends... its just that for some reason... this is a train alone race... I have taken to praying while I run....I am ALSO learning from Joyce Meyers "Simple Prayers" joycemeyer.org ... that it is oky to run and pray at the same time- in fact I am finding it is a really good thing... this praying and running and talking to God! Loving the solitude of the run!! I am up to 4.5 miles this is good- I am improving and increasing the endurance a little at a time- I am getting so excited about this goal that I can hardly wait for: May 8, 2010to arrive... I WILL be there! This is a reach for me...but it is a good reach. This goal is symbolically representing to ME... all the goals I have set and not completed over the years... and that failure and that lack of discipline is going to be literally trampled under my feet! Check in on my blog for updates.... and "See Jane (or in this case ) NANCY run...see her run fast!! I will need a cheering section... I will run for all of you who have ever wanted to run... call me write to me... truly I want this run to be for the lonely OR those who don't think you can.... (for the record you can)for people the ones who wish they could they run but are not able to... is that you? I"ll run the race for you...you let me know- forward a pic to me via email nrb2181@sbcglobal,net.. I would love to hear your story- and I would e honored to run as a representative to others.. This IS going to be a special day...and something special is going to happen ...If you would like to be a part a part of this mega moment or amazing JOY...... if want to run "with" me..I'd love to take you along! Just let me know!

Stuff- or not.....

Yesterday was "Black Friday". Millions around the country camped out-literally for hours sometimes a span of 24 hours or more- to get the best deal on everything from TVs to pajamas. For many years I did not participate in this oh so sacred shopping day- but several years ago,I too began to peruse the Thanksgiving day ads- and began to be drawn in to the "deals" that I saw! Last year...I became "one of them". I found myself standing in line - in the dark - in the cold - at Best Buy with hundreds of other eager shoppers. Sixty minutes later, I left the store with my shopping cart full.... of things I did not have any intention of buying... things I did not need...things that called for an hour or more of rebate clipping and snipping and sending each to "save" even more money! The next day- I took almost all of it back to where it came from. What happened? I had gotten swept up into the moment of excitement and synergy. If the person next to me had it - and it was a good deal- then surely I needed that "mini- dvd player, video web cam combo"... and after all- they offered to save my place in line for me while I dashed back for one more SD card or DVD... if I snagged one or two more for them! It was fun... it was exciting... it was exhilarating... it was exhausting... it was not for me! I know many families enjoy this day for many reasons- it is akin to those who gather at the deer camp and plan their hunt. There is strategy, planning and reconnaissance. For many it is the best day of the year! I am oky with that- and happy for them...but for me this year- I chose not to go. Not that I did not consider it- and not that I was not drawn to a few of the shiny sparkly ads that promised me the opportunity to "SAVE"!! This year I chose not to be drawn in. Instead, I went to the gym and worked out for an hour... then met a good friend for coffee. The rest of the day was spent sorting and cleaning my home office. A box of unwanted "stuff" was packed away for next years garage sale. My office is clean-and my desk has been freed of the clutter that has overwhelmed it for the last month. I am happy. I am writing today because I have cleared at least some of the clutter from my life. I did not buy more stuff. I do not have to return anything today that I don't want or need. This one small decision and the resulting peace it has given me- is amazing. It gave me a little more room in my life for what matters. This is good. We- my husband and I are in the process of simplifying our life - less stuff - more of what matters. This shift in our thinking has been coming for several years and it most often must be a deliberate choice not to fill our lives with more stuff and the accumulation of more things. More people- less stuff. It allows more room for God to move in our lives and use us if He does not have to push so much of our stuff out of the way. I want more of God and less of me. This is even better than good.

You are NOT the boss of ME !

How many times have we heard those words from a small toddler to another equally small toddler... "you are not the boss of me",or perhaps your own child was so bold (or a bit naive) and said it to YOU ?

There are many times (albeit for different reasons ) we need to draw upon that same stubborn spirit stirring within those little scrawny pint size children....when they stomp little feet and dig in tiny heels while declaring in a voice so loud it can surely be heard by anyone in the neighboring county....."you are not the boss of me"! Today more than ever, we too need to purpose once again, to hold firm and stand for that what matters!

Much around us is being questioned on a daily basis and altered to fit the arena we find ourselves in. Values,relationships, finances, our future and our faith- all under attack by the spirit of an age where foundations are shaken and our world consists of a landscape ever shifting like the rolling sea! David the shepherd boy stood up to his Goliath not with a coat of armor or a sword and a spear- but instead with the Spirit of the Living God flowing through his very being. David stood. He did not waiver, he did not back down and he did not run. He stood against the lies of a Philistine giant. He stood against insults that came against his God, his people and his future. Much was at stake that day. If the God of Israel whom David trusted did not fight the battle- all would be lost. David listened and obeyed what God told him to do. He gathered five stones, he placed them in his sling- he stood his ground and declared for all time .... that Goliath and all he stood for would NOT "be the boss" of him!

I want that same strong spirit- to stand for what is true and right- to stand for what matters and not back down... Lord fill me- (fill us )today fresh and anew- that I would not allow the spirit of this age- to "be the boss of me" anymore. That I like David- would be a world changer- making a difference with what YOU have put in my hands!

Launching an Arrow

Today was the day- we did it.... we launched our last arrow out into the world. It is so very quiet here in my cozy warm house. The home that was so often a place of shelter, nurture and strength for my children throughout the years. Today was a milestone arrow shoot though.... in the past few years we have launched my daughter into college, marriage and motherhood. Another child the middle or as I now prefer to call it ... my center child (sounds stronger all the way around don't you think) choose a road less traveled during a portion of his growing up years.....but as he grew into a man- I saw a transformation and a miracle day came when he too.... was launched out into his world..the world of buying a home,and the developing of a long term solid friendship that may develop into a life long relationship... that could mean great things for them both! We saw the step of their commitment to Lord...and now we're sitting out and believing for great things for him in so many ways...my center child! God has his hand there- and we have stood on HIS promise that no one feather will be lost with out my heavenly father's hand right there and his knowing of each and every situation! But this last arrow...my "baby" my youngest child.......I am not sure I was ready to let this arrow go! But it was time- and this week we did it- off to college this last arrow! So much I wanted to say yet...so much I wonder if fwe have done right... does he know how to balance a checkbook, do laundry, and boil water? No time for all of those things- but what I do say is " stay strong - strong and straight- be strong in your faith, do not waver...be strong- trust not in your own understanding, and He will make your path straight!" ( I hope he remembers.... )

Lord as my last arrow launches tonight- first give me strength for this journey....this is just you and him God......all the way.. all the way... all the way! Griff my little boy who has grown into a man..... I pray that you will live your life as a man of God..bold and amazing- a world changer!! Anointing and power wisdom discernment and strength be unto you this arrow of mine. Shoot far- embrace with passion what GOD has for you! Reach for the stars....but keep your feet planted firmly in the faith that is your foundation. (and remember to call home... make your bed... change your socks.... and...... ) sigh- go change your world !!! I love you........